Out of sight.

I find myself in the post late-brunch reverie that can only described as creatively alluring, a small gap of satiated thinking which causes me desire to share with you my writing. It has been a good two days, maybe not a traditional recovery of self from illness (read flu->chest infection over a fortnight), I was treated to the best of generosity and good times from friends from across the board.
And the best thing was, the more tired I got, the more determined I was to not let people down. Maybe it was the drunkeness, but I think it was more primal, I need my fellow humans.

That is a profound statement, being suspected of having suffered minor layers of depersonalisation and definitely being mysanthropic in my outlook.

The idea that I, as an entity, needed others was as incidental and passing as a breeze. Besides wanting a romantic partner, I had little use for socialising in the past. I did like people, obviously, but I didn’t need to form groups to get around and get by. I considered myself more of a cat type personality: If you’re my friend, I won’t chase you around, but when I see you it’ll be like no time has passed and it will be as always.
If you find that difficult, imagine assuming the worst in people, and only hanging onto those who prove themselves. It’s a self-defence and kind of quality control. It avoids disappointments, treachery and many other forms of social dickery.

But here I say it now, I believe something has come a little loose.

Forgive me if it seems obvious, but those people whom I have claimed as friends are still my friends even when I do not see them, and may still need me. It’s not about anything other that growing in the bonds that I know to be true. This weekend has been a carousel of incidental, and planned revelry that has completely overtaken my plans AND I LOVED IT.

I was not simply brought onboard, I was needed, it felt good.

At this point, out of sight does not mean out of mind when it comes to my friends.

That said, this weekend was OUT OF SIGHT.
P.S. I apologise for the apparent mushiness of this blog post, more stern and stoic blog posts to come in the future 😛

Become your Everest.

So it seems I blog better over a breakfast, I like this. It has a sense of routine that I find comforting, a measure of character more than time-keeping. While the last blog post was moreso in the morning time, and thusly  abrupt in my noticing of the vagueries of the world? This time I feel this evening brunch has left me in more of  a mellow disposition.

I look toward the monthly horizon in the same way so many seem to see the coming of the new year, and here is the problem I can see. There is a marrying of a sense of achievement to MAKING the  decision, rather than finishing what is begun. Catharsis in facing the problem and a sense of rightness.

While this is certainly an important step, it is THEN the process one wishes to engage, that must guide the way forward.

I long ago discovered that “New Year Resolutions” held as much weight as an anorexic gnat. It was in 1996, possibly it was ’98. I think I tried to the same resolution twice and in that reinforcement I understood something. If I wanted to learn my piano skills then that was a matter of telling myself something, and then resuming my old life after a month of novelty. Which is largely what becomes of these new year ideas.

There is one viable and useful method for growing your ability and scope on life. Expand on what you DO.
Remember, life is largely built on a series of comfortable habits we create to get by, with associations of appropriateness, anything not born from within this matrix of your life becomes relatively inauthentic.
Like anything that is fake, it may be nice, it may even be awesome to look at for a while. But the truth of the matter is that it is fake to you and, thusly, does not belong. Rejection is the end result.
Formative experiences mean that the things we are comfortable with are tied to survival and social instincts that mean our sense of appropriateness is effectively tied to fight and flight responses. If someone is actively discouraged from learning, say their mother tongue from early childhood, they will find that a strong indicator through fear or courage to take that challenge or run from it.
I personally found that my learning any form of performance was definitely frowned on from familial and social circles. Along with some self-derived  condemnations, it took me a while to even get to grips with music. I also found myself rejecting formal music education as well, not merely wanting to learn “how to play someone else’s music” The fear of every seedling composer 🙂

As result I pursued a path of composition that was as personal a means to me as possible. In the art of electronic music (or, indeed, any art), one is master unto oneself. As long as one has a medium-grade software able to process the user’s commands, the only limitation on the artist becomes the artists imagination and skill, a composer can summon forth soundscapes of great beauty and wonder.
This was immensely desirable to me, to bring feelings to others they had never previous dreamed of, to finally have my own art as I wanted to pursue it.
I loved Electronica and synth rock, and now I was able to master my own domain using my own taste, skill and discipline, all the validation of my personal appetites  came in one single artform. I loved it.

Herein lies the lesson, from my own neuroses and confirmation bias, I had decided what from the get go was acceptable in my daily habits. I had found my joy forming habits. Including writing. So I choose now to expand on this, and ME. Rather than to endlessly chase skills that ring empty in my regard. I am working on deconstructing my bias against forming habits I may find desirable in THEORY, but until then I see who I am and, I am happy to build on what is good already in my humble opinion. My monthly horizon is to build on my creative and personal habits that bring myself and others happiness, and it’s a climb each time.
I will never stop climbing.

Happy New Year to you from Wren Rock.